pregnancy loss
No matter how big or small your loss is, your feelings matter.
I’ve always been pretty open about motherhood, the ups the downs, the everything in-between. I never knew I would be open about this too, but here I am. It feels important to me that people feel able to talk and most importantly, feel less alone.
Loss is a strange thing really isn’t it. Everyone copes and feels it different. There’s no right or wrong way to feel it, and that’s ok. Loss is loss, no matter how big or small.
I’ll be honest. I never truly understood it. I knew it must hurt, but I didn’t know just how much. Loosing a baby at 5 weeks, 6 weeks, 10 weeks, 30 weeks or more. Its devastating for that person, that couple, marriage. Even a small loss. It’s not really a small loss is it… because your mind runs away with you. As soon as you see those 2 blue lines, your full of nothing but pure happiness. You picture your new life with your new baby. You picture your bump. You picture what room they will sleep in. You picture your youngest as an older sibling, you picture family life as a family of four… and then just like that the overwhelming happiness turns into overwhelming heartbreak.
Every time you go to the toilet you're reminded about what’s happening. You feel as though all of a sudden you're surrounded by pregnancy announcements.. and your heart does nothing but ache.
At first I battled with myself. I felt I wasn’t worthy to feel so much heartbreak over something I lost so early. That there’s people out there experiencing far worse, or that I should feel lucky that I already have a healthy child ( which I really do feel grateful for)… but then I read about it and I spoke to others and it made me realise, this is a subject which needs to be spoken about. It’s a huge emotional thing to experience. A woman goes through many hormonal changes in early pregnancy and we love and connect with our baby instantly.
So to anyone who sadly experiences it, no matter what stage you experience it. I won’t tell you it wasn’t meant to be this time, or it will happen when the time is right. Because I now know the heartache. And although these comments come from a good place, I now know how unhelpful they can feel. I know that all you need is the space to feel safe and allowed to be sad, even if like me you loose your baby within those first few weeks, my door will always be open.
It’s ok to grieve over something you’ve never even met, it’s important to talk about it, and for people not to feel ashamed of their feelings early on... because really, your a mummy as soon as you see those 2 blue lines, aren’t you..